A blonde ......

A blonde is having troubles selling her car seeing as it has 340 000km on the clock. Her friend hears about this and calls her up saying that she could help her illegally. Anyway the blonde agrees and her friend tells her about a guy who will charge fifty bucks and will set her mileage back to 40 000km. A month goes by and the friend calls up the blonde, “So, have you sold the car yet?” She asks. “No”, replied the blonde, “I don’t need to, it only has 40 000km on the clock!”

Goverment jobs jokes

Those three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are. The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow". The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet". The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"

South African Jokes

A man walks into a bank and asks for a R100 000 loan. the man offers his Mercedes slk as surety . Two weeks later he walks into the bank and repays the loan including the R50 interest . The bank manager approaches him and ask " Sir if you don't mind may I ask you a question?"
The man replies " Sure no problem"
The manager then asks" Sir we did a bit of research on you and found that you are a multi millionaire why did you need a R100 000 loan ?"
The man replies with a big grin on his face" Where else in South Africa can I leave my SLK in a safe place for two weeks for only R50."

Eskom help desk

How to pass an immigration test in Australia

Mujibar was trying to get into Australia legally through Immigration.

The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Australia ."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you, and now works at an Eskom help desk.

The power of knowing your customer

Chicken Crossing…

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, over the years, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate.

The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, “You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.”

“What do you want me to do?” asked the sheriff.

“I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!”

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW: …………. SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, “You've got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster.” So, again, the sheriff sends out the country workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: ……………. CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, “Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?”

The irritated sheriff said, “Sure thing, put up your own sign.”

Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.

“How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?”

“Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then.

The sheriff was stunned and he thought to himself, “I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign…. It might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers….” So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY …………………. Go slow and watch out for the chicks!

Mildly funny Jokes

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is E-mazed!! Everything has been incredible!!!!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every
guy you meet?"
"No," she replies........ "You just happened to catch my eye."

Swedish Jokes

Dem Damn Scandihoovians

Olaf and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.
"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a BIC lighter 10 inches long.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge BIC lighter in his hands.
"Vhere did yew git dat monster??"
"Vell", replied Olaf, "I got it from me Genie."
"You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.
"Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box," says Olaf.

"Could I see him?"
So Olaf opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes, I will," says the genie.
So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks...flying overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf.
"I asked for a million BUCKS, not a million DUCKS!"
Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew that da genie is hard of hearing.
Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch BIC?"

Facts of life

If a man is walking by a house and sees a woman naked inside, he is arrested for being a "peeping tom.
If a woman is walking by a house and sees a man naked inside, he is arrested for indecent exposure (men cannot win)

Jokes from Big Al

A hillbilly couple are walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out. Her ex husband snap ... For flips sake stop crying you are still my sister

Van der merwe Joke

Van der Merwe's son goes off to college, but about half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls Van…. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"
"That's absolutely E-mazing!" Van says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with R1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."
So, Van sends the dog and the R1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls Van again.
"So how's Fido doing, son?" Van asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ!?" says Van, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send R2,500, I'll get him in the class. Van sends the money.
The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, Van will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, Van is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, ' So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street ?' Van says, "I hope you SHOT that lyin' son of a bitch…..!"
"I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy…………

What were you thinking?

The stunning ‘drop dead' blonde was stunned when the biology professor asked her, "What part of the human anatomy enlarges to about ten times its normal size during periods of emotion or excitement?"
"I... I refuse to answer that question," the girl stammered as she shyly avoided looking at her classmates
Sitting nearby. One of them was called upon next, and he correctly answered,
"The pupil of the eye."
"Miss Rogers ," said the professor, "your refusal to answer my question makes three things evident.
First, you didn't study last night's assignment.
Second, you have a dirty mind.
And third, I'm afraid marriage is going to be a tremendous disappointment for you!"

A young bridal couple went to a Hotel for their wedding night. The next day, the bride's closest friend came over and asked her how did she like her wedding night.
She replied "I'm just awfully tired, dead tired.All night long it was up and down,up and down, in and out,in and out, Don't ever get a room next to an elevator

Spouse Jokes

Abe's barn burned down and his wife, Sarah, called the insurance company. Sarah spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money." The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth." There was a long pause, and then Sarah replied, "If that's how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband."

The computer company my wife works for distributed a corporate-clothing catalogue that included a pair of cuff links.
One was inscribed Ctrl (control) and the other Esc (escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard.
"They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."

Bill and Hillary are at the Red Sox World Series Game 6 of 1999; sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill. At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "no". The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was an unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team down To the bat boy. "Bill hesitates, but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay! If that is what the people want. C'mere Hilly baby." With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you "!You Bastard!"The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up &down, cheering, hooting & hollering, and high- fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much Everyone would enjoy that!"Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong. The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first PITCH!"

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks his wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier ," she replied