A blonde ......

A blonde is having troubles selling her car seeing as it has 340 000km on the clock. Her friend hears about this and calls her up saying that she could help her illegally. Anyway the blonde agrees and her friend tells her about a guy who will charge fifty bucks and will set her mileage back to 40 000km. A month goes by and the friend calls up the blonde, “So, have you sold the car yet?” She asks. “No”, replied the blonde, “I don’t need to, it only has 40 000km on the clock!”

Goverment jobs jokes

Those three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are. The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow". The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet". The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"

South African Jokes

A man walks into a bank and asks for a R100 000 loan. the man offers his Mercedes slk as surety . Two weeks later he walks into the bank and repays the loan including the R50 interest . The bank manager approaches him and ask " Sir if you don't mind may I ask you a question?"
The man replies " Sure no problem"
The manager then asks" Sir we did a bit of research on you and found that you are a multi millionaire why did you need a R100 000 loan ?"
The man replies with a big grin on his face" Where else in South Africa can I leave my SLK in a safe place for two weeks for only R50."

Eskom help desk

How to pass an immigration test in Australia

Mujibar was trying to get into Australia legally through Immigration.

The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Australia ."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you, and now works at an Eskom help desk.

The power of knowing your customer

Chicken Crossing…

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, over the years, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate.

The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, “You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.”

“What do you want me to do?” asked the sheriff.

“I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!”

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW: …………. SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, “You've got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster.” So, again, the sheriff sends out the country workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: ……………. CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, “Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?”

The irritated sheriff said, “Sure thing, put up your own sign.”

Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.

“How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?”

“Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then.

The sheriff was stunned and he thought to himself, “I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign…. It might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers….” So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY …………………. Go slow and watch out for the chicks!

Mildly funny Jokes

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is E-mazed!! Everything has been incredible!!!!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every
guy you meet?"
"No," she replies........ "You just happened to catch my eye."

Swedish Jokes

Dem Damn Scandihoovians

Olaf and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.
"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a BIC lighter 10 inches long.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge BIC lighter in his hands.
"Vhere did yew git dat monster??"
"Vell", replied Olaf, "I got it from me Genie."
"You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.
"Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box," says Olaf.

"Could I see him?"
So Olaf opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes, I will," says the genie.
So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks...flying overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf.
"I asked for a million BUCKS, not a million DUCKS!"
Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew that da genie is hard of hearing.
Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch BIC?"